I don’t want to be selfish.

Let me get something straight first. I love my husband. I choose him, and would do it again. He is a good man and a good father. Thank you.

I hate feeling selfish, but if I never am at all then i feel as though i get walked all over. I don’t believe it is the intention of the other person, but it happens.

Because of who I am, I need things that are mine. I’m not talking about everything, just simple things. Maybe like a coffee cup, we have so many coffee cups in this house but the one you use is my favorite and you know that, I’m even the one who bought it. I’ve also told you this same thing before. I mention it to you and all if get from you is, “We are married, whats yours is mine.” WHAT THE HELL!! Yes we got married, and yes i love you. Yes whats yours is mine and whats mine is yours. Our bank account is, our furniture, our car, our kids, all the big things. But i still have to be a whole person on my own. I need things that are mine, you need to learn to respect things that are mine and not just take ownership of them! I respect things that are yours, i don’t stake claim over things that aren’t mine. You saved the money for your camera and i say that is yours. You let me use it sometimes, but that’s because i show it respect. If you showed my things respect then i may not would care so much.

I feel like a kid on a playground. Every time I bring a toy, it gets snatched out of my hand “well you brought it, so it’s public domain.”

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hide things, I don’t want to be walked all over, I don’t want to play a victim. I just want to buy something or get a gift that is for me. Not something that I’m entitled to give to you just because i’m your wife. That is not a godly relationship.

 

“25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. 30 For we are members of His body,[d]of His flesh and of His bones. 31 “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”[e] 32 This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. 33 Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:25-33

Like I said, I love my husband and I respect him. And of course there are things i need to work on myself. There always is, but i don’t like feeling walked all over, and i sure as heck don’t like feeling like I’m not my own person. No one owns me. And no one ever will. God doesn’t act like He owns me, He loves me and wants to be anything i want to be and have anything i want to have as long as I rest in him. And I do.

 

It’s funny. I think this blog is actually helping my realize how much I miss Him.

God, you are love, and I want to rest in You, live in You, dwell in You, forever.

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