Not Sure

Not sure why I’m writing. I’m not a writer. Never really liked it either, but I need to do something.

Anything.

So here I am.

An open book (don’t really like reading either lol)

 

So I guess lets start with who I am. Who am I?

  • A mom of 2 kids 3 and under
  • A wife
  • A sister
  • A daughter
  • A Training Director
  • Someone who isn’t sure who she is on the inside anymore.

 

Maybe this new journey I’m taking on here will help me remember. If I stop doing this then you guys know that I realized this wasn’t me and quit and found something else to do. Wouldn’t surprise me! But hell with it, let’s do this.

 

So let’s think.

Hmm… where to start.

 

“Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:1-2

 

God,

I pour my heart out to you with my frustrations and anguish. I don’t know what I want in life. I love my kids and I love my husband, but I feel like something is missing. My moods are always on edge and I feel lazy and depressed. I love being a mom, but I hate it. I love my kids, but I’m about to go insane. I’m getting a cold AGAIN and can’t take much more. I need something. That’s mine. Alone. I love my husband, but I need something that’s MINE! Not our’s, mine. Maybe writing will help, maybe it will be what’s mine, maybe it won’t. Maybe I should start going to the gym, maybe I should join a zumba class. Maybe I should do nothing! Maybe I need a friend that is MINE.

Maybe all I need is you.

Maybe, just maybe, I’m crazy. I have sooooo many reasons to be happy, but I’m not.

I am overweight, sluggish, inflexible, tired all the time, and probably a bit of a complainer. Ok, a big complainer.

My mom used to tell me something, “Don’t complain unless you are going to do something about it.” Well I suck at that! But no more. That’s it. I need to do the things I set my mind to. I am an extremely determined person and an extremely hard worker when it comes to my job and other things, but when it comes to my own self, I fail over and over again at being diligent. I need to learn to love myself. And by all means, I’m gonna figure it out.

2 thoughts on “Not Sure”

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